Why I’m an Advocate part 3: Because We Don’t Blame the Victim

Last week the Chicago Tribune’s advice columnist Amy Dickinson delivered some problematic advice to a woman who wanted to know whether she was the victim of a sexual assault.

And here is Ms. Dickinson’s response to a critic. (You can also find sharply worded criticism in response to Ms. Dickinson’s advice and her un-informed “apology” in The Sexist and in Jezebel.)

In her column Amy Dickinson immediately blames the victim for making ‘awful’ choices and for being drunk. This kind of victim blaming is almost exclusively leveled in association with rape/sexual assault – and especially toward women. With other crimes, people rarely ask if a murder victim was drinking too much, or imply if s/he had ’made different decisions’ s/he wouldn’t have been stabbed.

What about the decision of the rapist to sexually assault someone?

What I would like to do is educate everyone out there about how we, at YWCA Metropolitan Chicago, counsel our clients who have been victims of sexual assault - and how our model is the standard in our field. We certainly don’t tell a victim to consult with her rapist about whether or not her assault was, indeed, rape. That would be irresponsible, potentially damaging to the victim and highly inappropriate. The YWCA model is to provide victim-centered counseling to survivors of sexual assault/abuse and to always blame the perpetrator of the crime.

Let’s repeat that: we blame the rapist for the rape of a victim.

We offer options to the survivors and empower them to make their own decisions about their recovery. We tell the survivors we meet that it is never their fault and that the only person who can stop rape is the rapist. Why is this so important? Because the dominant narrative in our culture is to say when a woman is sexually assaulted it is because they put themselves in harm’s way – through their dress, their drinking, their geographical location, their attitude, their behavior, their habits, their movements, their…everything. No matter how you want to spin it, this is victim blaming. (Not to mention sexist and misogynist.)

Before giving out problematic advice to rape survivors it would be nice if Ms. Dickinson, or other syndicated advice columnists, would speak with actual, local advocates for sexual assault/abuse victims for the correct way to speak with victims of sexual assault.

And then I’d like to give a tip to the media: STOP using the words sex and rape interchangeably! One word implies you gave consent to sexual contact; the other word means an absence of consent and an act of violence was committed against you and your body. Rape/sexual assault is violence - it is not sex.

It’s in a rape culture’s best interest, and against a rape victim’s, to erase the line separating sexual violence from consent. If that line is erased, what hope do the women we help have?

(Or any woman, for that matter?)

On the frontline,
JVP

paid sick days: we get it, the trib gets it

Even when sick, workers slog into work -- chicagotribune.com

The angle for this story is infectious disease, like H1N1, but the larger context of providing low-wage workers with paid sick leave is an ethical one: it's just the right thing to do. Without it, workers (most of whom are women who provide the backbone for our service economy and who do the jobs that no one else wants to do - or values) are forced to choose between their families and their jobs.

How would you choose?

Read more about pending legislation for Healthy Workplaces here and find out how you can help us get this passed.

Cheers,
Delia

Why I’m An Advocate, Pt. 2

So I recently had to accompany a client to 555 W. Harrison to assist her with filing a Civil No Contact Order. A Civil No Contact Order is a civil "stay away" order for victims of sexual assault and nonconsensual sexual conduct who don't have a relationship with the offender.

[You can listen to Lynn Schollet, General Counsel to ICASA, explain CNCOs here.]

The court staff was very nice but had a hard time finding CNCO forms! They said they rarely see survivors coming in for CNCOs; many staff members had never had a client request one. Written in legal “mumbo jumbo,” there were at least 10 forms in the packet.

While my client and I carefully went through each form, other women started to join us at the table. After a while we had a little work group going! There was a lot of bemoaning over the lengthy process and the “mumbo jumbo.” Many of the women were frustrated with how complicated it was and almost all of them said “No wonder women don’t bother reporting these things.”

(Which is really, really important to think about.)

Once I got the hang of it I was able to help the other women there without advocates – and even my client helped out! One survivor accidentally put her address on one of the forms her offender would receive but, luckily, we caught the mistake. That could have been awful! This was my first time filling out all these forms but, to be fair, if someone had explained all the paperwork to us, I feel we would have been less frustrated.

At the end of a confusing day, the staff worked with us and they happily answered our questions; however, I felt that all the women could have benefited from having an advocate like me by their side to walk them through such a complicated process and explain all of the “mumbo jumbo” to them.

It was really incredible to see such compassion and goodwill toward one another because of their shared experience. In a way I think it was best, and beneficial, to those women to work side by side at the table instead of in private; this way, they can see that they aren’t alone and can feel empowered by helping one another.

Who’d a thought you could be empowered by really tedious paperwork?!

Best,
JVP

the price of thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays - the food, friends, time with family, and the bounty of the holiday buoys my spirit.

But there is another side to our national Thanksgiving mythology that should not be forgotten - our bounty came, and continues to come, at a price. Pondering this price might make us uncomfortable, defensive or we might even shrug in apathy but if we are truly thankful for what we have then we must acknowledge what we, as a nation, did in order to have it.

An academically rigorous and thoughtful site, Racism Review provides a round up on Thanksgiving and Racism.

Some links from Racism Review:

Thanksgiving costumes – cute or racist? Momlogic wonders about the costumes in a traditional Thanksgiving school pageant. Would you let your kids dress this way?
“The Lie of Thanksgiving” - a blog post from the Colorado American Indian Movement (AIM) breaks it all down for you.
‘Headhunters,’ ‘Thanksgiving,’ and other racist control myths. Kyle at DMZ Hawai’i writes about the ways that Westerners project their fears, anxieties and hatreds onto indigenous peoples, when it should be white people considered the real ‘headhunters.’ He has a point; he discusses the repatriation of 22 skulls of native Hawaiians from the Stockholm antiquities museum.
“Once a year.” In another link roundup, Resistance has some resources for the ‘once a year’ that most Americans think about native peoples.
“Remembering Two-Spirits this Thanksgiving” – Rev. Irene Monroe calls on us to remember “my Two-Spirit Native American brothers and sisters who struggle with their families and tribes not approving of their sexual identities and gender expressions as many of us do with our families and faith communities."

They have more links and they're worth a serious read.

Cheers,
Delia

Frontline, November 2009: Do you trust women?

Do you trust women? We do.

For 133 years, the YWCA has trusted women when they tell us what they need for themselves and their families.

Trusting women means recognizing that women have unique, differing and complex needs. In a single day, a woman makes a hundred decisions about logistics, education, work, childcare, discipline, safety, mental health, nutrition, and healthcare—all of which we can’t make on her behalf. Trusting women acknowledges that, with families or without, a woman knows the geography of her world better than we know.

Do our elected officials trust women? If they don’t trust women, it makes sense to rewrite the map of a woman’s world to conform to their ideal.

But if they trust us, they’d help us create a reformed system that would narrow access and health disparities for women; they’d address those 17 million women who can’t afford healthcare; and they’d recognize that reproductive health access is essential to our care and that a woman’s knowledge of her family's needs trumps theirs.

Do we trust women? Trust requires no sacrifice of belief. Justice, however, requires trust.

The House version of the healthcare bill is not perfect and, with the inclusion of the Stupak Pitts Amendment, it is disastrous for women. Going far beyond current law, these rules will prevent a woman from using her own money to guide her healthcare, family, fertility and destiny. We’ve also learned a similar provision will be introduced in the Senate version, as well.

Click here to ask your Senator if they trust women and demand they give us the healthcare we need to live the lives we know best—our own.

Best Regards,

Christine Bork
CEO
YWCA Metropolitan Chicago

comeback kid we wish would disappear: r. kelly

At his first concert since his legal troubles Kelly says:

“Never would have made it without you,” he said midsong, addressing the audience. “My house, my kids, my family, my band. I would have lost it all.”
Indeed.

Where would he be if our culture didn't reward male privilege, rape culture and the objectification of women?

Just something to think about.

Cheers,
Delia

did the Root get it wrong?

The buzz is growing about the movie Precious (which will probably be a topic of discussion here very very soon - stay tuned) but this was an interesting take from The Root, an online mag we usually don't mind:

Sidibe—and the media—are quick to point out, the harrowing, yet ultimately redemptive story does not reflect her own experience. According to interviews, including a recent New York magazine, Sidibe is a confident, well-adjusted 25-year-old with a positive body image and no shortage of self-esteem. Readers writing in were overwhelmingly positive … and invariably mentioned her size. One declared, “she’s so incredible and so comfortable in her own skin that she’s probably lined with mink.” GAG!

Why the GAG? Is the writer gagging that people admire Sidibe's confidence? Gagging that Sidibe has confidence? We don't get it. (Ok, *I* don't get it.)

And this:
So putting aside the PC platitudes, the facts tell a different story. Yes, Sidibe is a promising performer, one who’s already generating Oscar buzz. So if we just stick to her acting, kudos. But if we’re talking about her size—which has become part of the conversation—are people delusional? A five-foot-something woman tipping the scales at over 300 pounds is not something to celebrate. That’s SUPER fat,

So...if we don't immediately judge this young woman on her weight, we're issuing PC platitudes. In fact, what we should be doing is emphasizing just how fat she is by putting a superlative in front of it.

Is this empowering? Is this how we should be relating to one another as women?

This is the best part:
It’s about being comfortable in your own skin and loving yourself, but always striving to be better.

The message of empowerment from The Root: Be yourself, but not so much.

On the surface, this might not appear to be a YWCA 'issue' but this kind of over the top judgment of a talented woman reminds me of the media storm that erupted when Dr. Regina Benjamin was nominated for Surgeon General. It had nothing to do with her qualifications but her weight was suddenly a disqualifier; in this case, Sidibe's talent is literally being overshadowed by this writer's focus on her weight.

Maybe we wouldn't be so offended by this piece if there was some sign that men of accomplishment are also treated this way - but they're not. (Christie *won* his race despite the negative ads, btw.) We don't remove the laurels from men who tip the scales.

Only women. (Which makes this a YWCA issue.)

Interesting.

Cheers,
Delia

hero of the day: Gabrielle Union

From one of our fave blogs comes a heads up about a celebrity breaking her silence and speaking in response to that horrific sexual assault in Richmond, CA: Shakesville: You Go, Grrl: Gabrielle Union

A key 'graph:
When I was 19 years old, I was raped...I was fortunate enough to go the UCLA rape crisis center after this horrific ordeal. It gave me my life back. My dignity and self-esteem were gone and they helped me find them again.

That's why I now lobby for state legislatures across the country and the federal government to help raise funds and awareness for rape crisis centers, and I speak to all different kinds of people across the country about what happened to me. My goal is to never hear the words 'me too' from someone after I say 'I was raped.'

She gets that our culture is the co-culprit in sexual assault. A culture that continues to blame the victim, to encourage passivity or apathy while a woman is being assaulted or to allow a school official to shrug and say 'Not my fault' is equally culpable as the predator. Not only do we need to shift blame away from the survivor of assault, we need to start holding our culture accountable and advocating for change.

She also gets that the survivor's partner to recovery is the system of support s/he can find when they turn to rape crisis workers and counselors. The work we do the City or state is *unable* to do. If organizations and groups like ours don't do it, who will?

Read the whole thing (there is a trigger warning on the whole post, however.) Her words kinda put a fresh perspective on celebs speaking against sexual assault for a change (hear that, Polanski-petition signers?).

Cheers,

Delia